Harrison's Chronometer H5

Man in a Canoe

Frostbiting Starts This Weekend

Deal

Banned

Battle of Trafalgar Updated

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "’England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion, or disability.’ What gobbledegook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4-knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts ?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that, sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy, and the lash?"

Hardy: “As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case ... kiss me, Hardy."


Hey, it's not original. I stole it from John Vigor's Blog which I found by looking at the blogs that my followers follow. So, yes, there is a benefit to having followers after all.

Happy Saint Crispin's Day

Growing up in England we were, of course, taught about the famous naval and military battles in our country's history. I guess the syllabus tended to focus on the ones that England won, not the ones we lost. But the English are also prone to celebrate gallant failures, plucky retreats and god almighty cock-ups too. And there's nothing the English like better than a hero who died in a failed endeavor. Scott and Franklin spring to mind.

We also love a battle that has been eulogized by one of our famous playwrights or poets. Or even better if there was a memorable quote from one of our famous generals or admirals made in the heat of battle.

I hadn't realized before that three of the most famous battles in English history all happened this week, two of them indeed on this very day, October 25.

On this day in 1415, Henry V of England defeated a numerically superior French force at the Battle of Agincourt. I forgot to mention; the English also like battles where the underdog wins and we never forget a battle where we beat the French.

The fame of Agincourt was no doubt aided by Shakespeare's treatment of it in his play Henry V. What Englishman can fail to be moved by Shakespeare's words in which the young King Henry rallies his troops before the battle?

We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition:
And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.

October 25 is indeed Saint Crispin's Day. And another famous battle - actually an event more in the category of god almighty cock-up - fought on this day was the Charge of the Light Brigade in the Crimean War in 1854. Orders were confused and unclear and, as a result, some 600 or so cavalrymen charged into a death trap. As Wikipedia so dryly notes, "The reputation of the British cavalry was significantly enhanced as a result of the charge, though the same cannot be said for their commanders."

The Charge of the Light Brigade was made famous by the poem of the same name written by Alfred, Lord Tennyson who perfectly captured the bravery of the men involved while at the same time heaping scorn on the blunder that led to the charge.

Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.
"Forward the Light Brigade!
Charge for the guns!" he said.
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

Forward, the Light Brigade!"
Was there a man dismay'd?
Not tho' the soldier knew
Some one had blunder'd.
Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do and die.
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

The other famous battle this week may be more familiar to sailors. The Battle of Trafalgar was fought on 21 October 1805. This battle has all the essential ingredients...

• The enemy outnumbered us. (We love the underdog.)
  
  
• The English beat the French and the Spanish. (O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!)
  
  
• The victorious English leader (Nelson) was mortally wounded in the battle. (Dead heroes are the best heroes.)
  
  
• The score line (ships sunk) was 22-0. (If only the English soccer team were half as good.)
  
  
• There was a famous quotation.

The famous quote was, of course, made in the battle, not afterwards by a poet or playwright. And it's surely the most famous English quotation that was originally issued in nautical signal flags.

Yup, this week was quite a week for battles. Happy Saint Crispin's Day.

Here endeth the history lesson.

I think I'll go to bed now.

Welcome to the World of Kiteboarding

The other "sailor" in my family, Tom, my 17-year-old nephew.

He doesn't sail on water but on the unforgiving hard ground of Hereford Race Course in England. It's just across the road from his house and, from what I understand, he's out there kiteboarding on any day when there's a decent wind.

Fitness Equipment

A week or so ago I received an email from someone called Sean at CSN Stores who suggested that he would like to offer a "giveaway" on my blog. A brief exchange of emails solidified the proposal. He would provide a $75 CSN Stores gift certificate for me to give away to readers (in any way I chose) in exchange for my writing a blog post with a link titled "drop leaf table" which, not surprisingly, linked to a CSN Stores page selling some tables.

Whaaaaat?

This is a sailing blog. Why would sailors be interested in drop leaf tables? Indeed, why would sailors be interested in buying anything from CSN Stores which seems to specialize mainly in furniture, home decor, etc. Sean wanted me to introduce the phrase "drop leaf table" as naturally as possible in the flow of a post narrative. Huh? In a sailing post?

But, hey, I love my readers. Without you I would be nothing but an old geezer with three grandkids and a 15-year-old Laser. You deserve that $75 gift certificate. Well, one of you does. So I took up the challenge.

So, how could I work this blog around to a casual mention of drop leaf tables? That's why I started that whole Furniture and Sailing theme last week.

You, my wonderfully inventive readers, responded beyond my expectations. We had a table with an outboard motor, an Optimist bed, and a guitar boat, to name just a few. I wrote a post about learning to sail on your dining table which led, perfectly naturally (I thought) ... to the drop leaf table post.

There remains the issue of why the hell would you want a $75 gift certificate from CSN Stores. What could you possibly want to buy from them?

Well, we all know that physical fitness is important to success in sailing. Right? Especially Laser sailing. One of the 200+ CSN Stores is dedicated to Fitness Equipment.

If I won the $75 gift certificate (which of course I can't) here are some of the things I might consider buying from CSN Stores...

An exercise bench.


Some yoga DVDs.




A rowing machine.



Ooh! She's cute. I don't suppose CSN Stores offer in-house demonstrations?

Anyway. After all my blood, sweat and tears, not to mention brilliant creative thinking, to work the phrase "drop leaf table" into a sailing blog purely for your benefit, the least you can do in return is to enter the bloody draw. There is bound to be something you want from CSN Stores.

43

By my calculations I have sailed my Laser on 42 days this year. Next time will be #43. Back in 2008, some of my readers became unnaturally agitated about sail #43.

Watch this space.

If you can bear it.