Whoa. What's that title got to do with sailing?
Let me explain. In the summer I teach a sailing program to kids. And to work on this program I have to be a qualified US Sailing instructor. And to keep my instructor qualification current I have to renew my American Red Cross CPR certification each year.
So on Tuesday evening I showed up for my annual CPR refresher course and exam. The instructor was a really sweet man. A bit gushy - he introduced himself to me twice. He was about my age and was wearing cargo pants with a definite permanent wedgie.
The course was going fine but we began to have doubts when he advised us to keep a teddy bear in the car so we could practice CPR any time we wanted. Hmmm. Then he told us a story about how his "room mate" had saved the life of someone bitten by a black mamba snake. Very useful I am sure but we don't get many black mambas on our lake in New Jersey.
Part of the course was revising how to use an AED - an automated external defibrillator. This involves attaching two pads to the patient's bare chest in order to apply an electric shock. This process really got our man into some interesting areas. He reminded us that, of course, on a woman patient one would need to remove her bra. Fair enough. Then he showed us a glimpse of his hairy chest and pointed out that chest hair would need to be removed, with a dry razor if necessary. "Otherwise the smell can be really bad." Our imagination filled in the rest. Then he really freaked out the class when he reminded us that, if the patient had nipple rings, they would have to be cut off, "Or you might get sparks..." Stunned silence. We thought about that for a minute and then one of the female students asked with a visible shudder, "Cut them off....ummm...how exactly?" This really got our friend going - he discussed different gauges of nipple rings....gold vs stainless steel.....techniques for chopping off the same.... Fascinating stuff.
I just pray that if I ever need to use the AED on one of my teenage female students I won't have to use all my new found knowledge on removal of said rings.