Tuesday, December 29, 2015

You Need To Have A Boat If You Want To Run For President

It has been very educational and entertaining the last few months watching the TV debates among the candidates vying for the Republican Party nomination for the job of President of the United States.

There have been lots of hard hitting questions from the clever moderators on the various TV channels. But I have been disappointed that not one candidate has yet been asked the question that I would have asked. The question that reveals the character of a candidate, lets us see into his soul, and reveals his vision for America - "What kind of boat do you own?"

I have written before how a candidate's choice of watercraft has determined the outcome of other presidential elections. For example, John Kerry had no chance after he was revealed as a flip-flopping windsurfer.

And Mitt Romney was toast once it was discovered that he is the kind of guy who lets his wife drive his jet ski.

Fear not dear reader. Tillerman is hot on the trail of the answer to the boat question. Google will have all the answers for me....

Hmmm! It seems that most of the 17 (or is it 19 - I forget) Republican candidates either don't own boats, or they have done nothing with them of the merest significance that would even register on the Google machine.

More fools them!

Never trust a man who doesn't own a boat.

Who does that leave?

Well, the famous neurosurgeon and presidential candidate Ben Carson may not own a boat but he is on record with this fascinating tidbit of boating wisdom.
"If the ship is going off of Niagara Falls,
the barnacles– we can get them off later.
Let’s turn the ship around.”
Can't argue with that.

Dr. Carson may also have won some votes with his revelations during one debate that he is the only one of the candidates to have separated Siamese twins and the only candidate to have taken out half a brain.

Hmm! I'm not sure about the former but the latter might come in handy when dealing Congress.

The famous Fox News TV personality and preacher and bass guitar player, Mike Huckabee, is running for president (no really - he still is) and according to some sources he owns a "bass boat" although I haven't been able to find any photos of Mr. Huckabee on his bass boat. But I guess letting people know he owns a bass boat is good for his image as a good old Southern boy who likes a bit of huntin' and shooting' and fishin'.

Anyway here is a picture of a bass boat for what it's worth.

I really think it would boost Mr. Huckabee's poll numbers to let us see some photos of him driving a boat like this.

Currently the favorite of the Republican establishment, Florida Senator Marco Rubio is also running for president and apparently he does own a boat.

He was somewhat embarrassed when the New York Times reported that he had splurged $80,000 on a "luxury speedboat" although I don't see what's wrong with that. Anyway the good senator got one of his spokespersons to tell the press that it wasn't a "luxury speedboat" at all but was in fact an offshore fishing boat which is perfect for "safety-minded family boaters and avid anglers."

The spokesperson also sent out a link to a photo of a boat that is the same type as Senator Rubio's boat although not actually Senator Rubio's boat.


The issue of the boat did come up at a campaign event in New Hampshire and Senator Rubio had to explain that his boat couldn't be a "luxury speedboat" because he has to go to the bathroom off the side.

OK. Too much information.

Let's move on.

And finally we have the billionaire and reality TV star, Donald Trump, who currently has a massive lead in the national polls over all the other Republican hopefuls. I can't imagine the Donald ever apologizing about the size of his boat - or the size of his anything for that matter.

Mr. Trump's main campaign strategy seems to be boasting about how rich he is - which of course also proves how smart he is - and telling everyone else, the press, the other politicians how stupid they all are.

And Donald has a BOAT!

No! Donald has a SUPERYACHT!

It's HUGE!

No. Wait.

My information is a little out of date.

Mr. Trump did buy this boat from the Sultan of Brunei some years ago and renamed it the Trump Princess. (Mr. Trump likes to put his name on things.) But then he ran into one of his periodic little "financial difficulties" and had to sell the yacht to some Saudi Arabian prince.

That's too bad.

So there you have it.

The good doctor with his barnacle story, the preacher and his bass boat nobody has ever seen, the senator with his luxury speedboat cleverly disguised as a fishing boat, or the billionaire who had to sell his yacht to pay his creditors.

Who would you vote for?

No wonder some Republicans are feeling nostalgic for the good old days when Mitt Romney's jetski was running for president.


Chris Partridge said...

Carly Fiorina has or had two yachts, one on each coast! http://www.sfgate.com/bayarea/matier-ross/article/Boxer-calls-out-Fiorina-as-multiple-yacht-owner-3181304.php

Tillerman said...

Thanks for that one Chris. I hadn't seen it before.

The article is from 2010 but Mrs Fiorina trumps (pun intended) all the male candidates in my post. She is the only one who is smart enough to realize that one boat is good but two boats are better. Keep one near you main home and one near where the grandkids live.

Wait. That's exactly what I've been doing this year!

My "yachts" are a little smaller than Mrs. Fiorina's but then she can afford it. I have no problem with rich people spending their money on yachts. There's a lot worse things they could be doing with all that money.

Anonymous said...

I'm from the west coast - help me out here - they have barnacles on the Niagra?
John from PDX

Tillerman said...

Good question John. Next time a ship goes over the Niagara Falls we need to check if it has barnacles or not.

Jeremiah Blatz said...

Does chartering count? https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monkey_Business_(yacht)

Tillerman said...

Nice one Jeremiah.

No. Chartering does not count. And it probably doesn't help a candidate's campaign for President to own (or charter) a yacht called Monkey Business. Especially if you actually use it for monkey business.

Tom Paxton wrote a very funny song, The Ballad of Gary Hart, about this story (for anyone too young to remember.) Here is a really bad video of John Denver singing it.


(Paxton's recorded version is much better.)

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