Proper Course: The Laser Experience!

You have read the blog. Now you can experience Laser sailing Tillerman-style by signing up for Proper Course: The Laser Experience!

Exclusively for readers of Proper Course we are now offering a very special adventure. Come to a Laser sailing seminar in Rhode Island run by the one and only Tillerman.

Those other Laser clinics say they will teach you how to win races. But can you really believe them?

Proper Course: The Laser Experience! is different. We will teach you how to solidify your status as a mid-fleet mediocrity and how to relish your obscurity. With our many years of experience we have plenty of information to share and many new ideas and “secrets” that you will learn only from us.



Our coach
With vast ineffective racing experience in the Laser and Sunfish classes, and a veteran of four unsuccessful Laser Masters Worlds campaigns, Tillerman understands the needs of mid-fleet muddlers and back-of-the-fleet bozos alike. Tillerman's clumsiness and ability to spend hours on the water discovering different ways to make a Laser go even slower are legendary.

Sample Seminar Schedule

Day 1: Rigging and boat handling

21 wrong ways to rig a Laser

7 ways to screw up mark roundings including...

• hook opponent's sheet with your bow
• hook opponent's sheet with your neck
• port tack layline nowhere-to-go
• Tillerman's special auto-double-gybe followed by collision with inside boat
  

13 different wrong ways to gybe

9 different tacking technique mistakes.

Develop your own personal style for losing Laser races.

Day 2: Physical fitness

Experience Tillerman's unique approach to sailing unfitness.

Before breakfast we will practice the patented "run walk run-slower walk-even-slower stop-and-rest" workout method. Train your mind and body to "taper" your physical performance so that even if by some fluke you win the start, you will still slip back to mid-fleet or worse by the end of each race.



After breakfast we will learn how riding a bike on the back lanes of Tiverton and Little Compton will maintain your weight in the target "fatties-sail-slow zone". We will be stopping at Provender at Four Corners for mid-morning sandwiches, followed by Grays for triple scoop ice-creams, and then lunch at Evelyn's enjoying clam cakes and chowder, the special two pound fried seafood platter and their signature lobster chow mein, finishing with apple pie and ice cream all washed down with a few jars of Newport Storm beer.

(Afternoon Laser practice optional but unlikely.)


Day 3: Starting style and technique

10 ways to mess up a start at the committee boat

5 really bad techniques for pin-end starts

Be a "starboard tack shark" and learn how to deal with being OCS

Practice hiding from the race committee in the mid-line sag.


Once you have learned Tillerman's starting style you will never have to worry about "holding your lane" again... because you will never have a clear lane.


Day 4: Mental health day

Today we will focus on mastering Tillerman's mental approach to Laser sailing.

We will set sailing goals and then brainstorm ways to avoid achieving them.

We will look at the weather every hour during the day and invent a difference excuse why it's not time to go sailing yet.

We will inspect our boats, make lists of required maintenance, and then learn the seven excuses for never actually doing any work on the boat.

At the end of Day 4 you will be a professional procrastinator.

(Afternoon Laser practice optional but not recommended: if you sail you fail.)


Day 5: Putting it all together

Today we will practice as a group all of our new skills. Each student will be given a two minute start over the rest of the fleet in practice races and then, by using the Tillerman Laser Techniques, will be humiliated as the rest of the fleet overtake him or her. We are expecting a guest appearance from that guy who will demonstrate that however a big a lead you establish early in the race, he can always crush you before the finish.


At the end of the day you will know that you will never be a winner and be resigned to your true status as a failure and back-of-the fleet bum.

Every evening of your week at Proper Course:The Laser Experience! we have special events arranged for you...

• Visit to the Proper Course Fitness Center (aka Tillerman's basement gym) to admire the pristine condition of Tillerman's rarely used hiking bench.
  
  
• Guest lecture by renowned Boston lawyer and Racing Rules expert Litoralis on "Procedural Tricks and Head Fakes Guaranteed to Confuse the Protest Committee."
  
  
• Visit to the Proper Course Interactive Gaming Center (aka Tillerman's basement man-cave) for tactical training on Sailx. We will be racing against world-famous online sailors such as bigNeil, theycallmegod and CspotFoul. If you wish you can hire Litoralis at a special discounted hourly rate to represent you in the Sailx Protest Room.
  
  
• Trip to the bars of Newport RI to demonstrate the effects of alcohol consumption on dehydration and its impact on sailing performance the next day.
  
  
• Try the hot new work-out... pole dancing. Or, if you prefer, just watch.

We hope you will join us for an excellent time sailing in the beautiful waters of Narragansett Bay. Depending on the wind and weather conditions we can perfect our death rolls in the big waves off Third Beach, ogle the trophy wives in Bristol, or see if we can score a rare sighting in Wickford of the last surviving Force 5 sailor in New England.

This course is a lot of work for the participants, but a few days of hard work will cement your status as a loser for the rest of your life. The learning curve is awesomely shallow.



Sign up before Sep 14th for the special introductory discount price of only $3995 for the 5-day seminar. This once-in-a-lifetime price includes instruction, charter boat, and commemorative T-shirt. Beer, chow mein and tips for the dancers not included.

Coming soon, by the same people who brought you Proper Course: The Laser Experience! ...

• Proper Course: The Dating Agency!
• Proper Course: The Haiku Composition Weekend!
• Proper Course: Pole Dancing for Beginners!
  

10% discount on all seminars for previous attendees at Proper Course: The Laser Experience!

The original suggestion which inspired me to launch my new business venture Proper Course: The Laser Experience! came from a request on Captain JP's log to create "the ultimate YourBlog Experience! that captures the essence of what your blog is about and which your audience might possibly be convinced to pay to do." Thanks for the idea JP.

Thanks also (and apologies) to those other Laser training schools who inevitably provided some of the inspiration for this post, especially SailFit, Rick White's Sailing Seminars and the Laser Training Center at Cabarete. Without their help I would be an even worse Laser sailor than I actually am.

Do Old Geezers Blog?

Do old geezers blog?

Well, I do. So others might.

More specifically, are any of the sailors racing in the 2009 Laser Masters (aka Old Geezers) Worlds which starts on Sunday going to be blogging day by day about the event? I enjoyed following the recent Young Dudes Laser Worlds via the blogs of four or five of the entrants, and I posted here summaries of what they had to say along with links to their posts.

But what about the Old Geezer Laser Worlds? Are there going to be any blogs covering it?

So far the only one I am aware of is Marc Jacobi's Blog.

Three and Three Quarters

One of the reasons that I've not been sailing so much this summer is that I've been spending more time with my granddaughter Emily who is exactly 3 years and 9 months old today. We've been looking after her and her brother Aidan every Tuesday, and she has been down at our house with her family almost every weekend. We've been doing lots of kid friendly summer stuff and, frankly, it's been even more fun than Laser sailing.

This Saturday I am taking Emily to her swimming lesson. Geeze, I'm turning into the grandad version of Crazy Swim Dad.

No regrets. There won't be another summer when she's three.

Laser Gypsy

She's a high speed lady
Come down from astro city
She's got a body like tarzan
And a face like Lassie

She can do like Mick Jagger
Yet her tail's a real wagon
She's a lady with your mother
But keep away from you brother

She's a laser gypsy (spin you round and round)
She's a laser gypsy (lift you up and down)
She's a laser gypsy (beat me to the ground)
She's a laser gypsy

She's a high speed lady
From astro city
And when you wear that silk and leather
Oh, I love ya, love ya, love ya so much better

Oh I knew you're mine now
You make me feel so fine now, yeah
Oh I know you're mine now
Make me feel so alive now, yeah

She's got the groovies
Ooh groovin a groovin
Groovin and a groovin
Got to groove in a groove

I could take her to the movies
She's always got the groovies
Keep away from the disco's
Cause you always want to, aah

She's a laser gypsy (spin you round and round)
She's a laser gypsy (lift you up and down)
She's a laser gypsy (beat me to the ground)
She's a laser na, na, na, na
She's a laser gypsy
She's a laser gypsy


This blog is about Lasers.
Carol Anne in All these gypsies wants us to write about gypsies.
There is a song by Pagliaro called Laser Gypsy.
This is it.

Who Needs Wheels?

Ahah! Those crazy Norwegians have discovered the secret to launching a Laser without a dolly. All I have to do is to wait until it snows...

Hmmm. Should I be worried that the soundtrack to this video is "All My Friends Are Dead"?

Drift into a Minor-Induced Heaven

Imagine you are one of the top Laser sailors in your country. You qualify for the World Championship and head off to the Worlds in Canada full of hope. After a week of all kinds of weather, some good days, some not-so-good days, the championship is over and it's time to head home. You did OK but perhaps not as well as you might have hoped. How do you feel? Let down? Disappointed? I guess so.

That's very much the feelings expressed by our four bloggers at the Laser Worlds today.

A few weeks ago Clay Johnson won the US National Championship. In his first three races at the Worlds he scored 2,3,3. But then the protest committee threw out that third race, he had a BFD in the resail, his request for redress was filed too late... and he eventually finished in 33rd place. In Last Day of Laser Worlds Clay admits to feeling "slightly disappointed" with his results. But hey, he's still US champion, he was the top USA sailor at the Worlds, and I'm sure he knows what he needs to work on to raise his game up to being among the leaders at future world championships and even the Olympics. Good luck Clay!

The title of Ashley Brunning's post sums it all up: Final Day, World Titles ‘20 place slide to finish! damn’. Sounds as if allowing a second discard score let a bunch of other sailors jump in front of Ash in the rankings. Even so, 36th place and second Aussie at the Worlds behind the legendary Tom Slingsby ain't too shabby. Training to sail a Laser at this level is pretty much a full-time job and, like many others, Ash is now thinking about how he is going to make the money to support his efforts. Right now he says he could do with a camping holiday up the coast with his girl. He's earned it. Well done Ash!

The top Laser sailor from the Dominican Republic, Raul Aguayo, sailed in the silver fleet and finished in the middle, so effectively half way down the whole championship fleet which is his best performance in a Worlds to date. As he says in PROGRESO..., "No está mal." Not bad indeed Raul.

Colin Cheng from Singaore says in honeymoon's over, "this laser worlds was one of the toughest things i've ever done." Colin, the only sailor from Singapore at the Worlds, finished a few places behind Raul in the silver fleet. I like Colin's blog; it has a different style from any other sailing blog I've followed and his personality shines through. I hope he continues to keep us informed via the blog of his future sailing adventures. Colin sums up his current feeling by saying, "i'm longing to get home and sink my fingers into the fretboard and drift into a minor-induced heaven."

Rule Britannia

Congratulations to Paul Goodison (GBR), the 2008 Olympic gold medalist in the Laser class, on winning the 2009 Nautel Laser World Championships today in Nova Scotia.

Ted Kennedy 1932-2009

"The work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives, and the dream shall never die."

Doing a Cold Mother, Susannah and Foam Rollers

photo © Matias Capizzano / capizzano.com

After the fog day and the hurricane day and the no wind day, order was finally restored at the Laser Worlds in Nova Scotia on Tuesday. A wind suitable for racing was served up for the first day of actual racing in the gold, silver and bronze fleets. At the end of the day two Brits, Paul Goodison and Nick Thompson, were leading the gold fleet as is only proper.

On the other hand, it sounds as if our two bloggers in the gold fleet are feeling the heat of the tougher competition now that the qualifiers are over. Clay Johnson was discovering that in the gold fleet at a Laser Worlds "everyone is super fast" as he tells us in Welcome to Gold Fleet. Ashley Brunning also had a Tough Day but is looking forward to finishing strong and then going home to make some money to pay for all this campaigning.

Raul Aguayo is finding that the silver fleet isn't exactly a pushover either in QUE DIFICIL. He also reports that our friend Ari Barshi has arrived for the Masters Worlds next week. Now my Spanish is very weak so I do use Google Translate to read Raul's posts. Even so I am somewhat mystified by the translation of Raul's last sentence which says that Ari is "doing a cold mother." Yikes.

Brian Raney had a "fun day on the water" racing in the bronze fleet and feels that this regatta has been Great Training for him. He also wrote a post Recovery about his routine off the water. I always appreciate it when a sailboat racing blogger thinks of something different to write about other than the usual "I went right. The breeze went left. Right was wrong. Left was right" kind of posts. Recovery is all about what Brian does after racing (apparently visiting a "lovely young lady named Susannah" who was excited to have Brian as a client); what he drinks before going to bed (much more healthy than my rum as painkiller routine); and how he prepares for racing by torturing himself with a "foam roller".

I'd never heard of this foam roller thing before. In case you are also puzzled by the reference, here is a video of a couple of ladies who are much more photogenic than Brian demonstrating the technique.

The Weather Isn't Usually Like This Here

How often have you traveled to some place for a regatta or sailing vacation that promises perfect sailing winds every day... and then been disappointed?

How many places will tell you "we get a 15+ knot sea breeze from the SW every afternoon" or "thanks to the trade winds we get consistent winds of 15-20 knots from the NE every day"? And then when you spend a week there and the winds are way too light or way too strong for decent racing, the constant refrain from the locals is, "I don't understand. The weather isn't usually like this here."

It happens all the time.

It happened to me in Cabarete last year when we had rain and very light wind for much of the week.

It happened to me in Australia at the Masters Worlds last year when we had rain and light winds in the first half of the week.

It happens all the time.

It has happened at the Laser Worlds in Canada this week. Last year in Australia, the Canadians were talking up St. Margaret's Bay in Nova Scotia, the site of this year's Worlds. "Oh yeah, the winds are fantastic. 15-20 knots out of the south-west every afternoon. You have to come."

So let's see what weather our intrepid team of bloggers at the Laser Worlds have actually experienced. In the first five days they have had.....

two days when the wind was good for racing and two races were completed for each fleet on each day,


one day of dense fog and shifty winds in which only one race was sailed for each fleet (and one of those was subsequently tossed by the protest committee),

photo © Matias Capizzano / capizzano.com

one day with a hurricane causing huge waves and no sailing,

photo © Matias Capizzano / capizzano.com

and one day with no wind at all with lots of drifting around and no races completed.

photo © Matias Capizzano / capizzano.com

In spite of the frustrating weather, our blogging team at the Worlds has continued to file reports about the action (or lack of it)...

Brian Raney catches us up with his activities in the last four days in which he has been mainly sailing on instruments.

Ashley Brunning gives us a summary of the no-wind day in Glass Out!

Likewise Clay Johnson told us about No Wind on Day Five.

And you don't even need to know any Spanish to guess what Raul Aguayo was talking about in CALMA.

Meanwhile Colin Cheng from Singapore seems to be more excited about being recognized by Proper Course as a member of Team Blogger than anything else. As he says, there's a first time for everything.

On the other hand, Brent and Josh, the LaserPerformance charter boat guys at the the Worlds were most excited after the hurricane about the fact that their cabin was still there!

I guess this is why major Laser regattas always stretch over a week. Chances are that you will get some days of the so-called "typical" weather in a whole week. Good news is that it does sound as if they are getting 12-14 knots of breeze today and may well complete three races. So I am looking forward to hearing this evening from our bloggers at the Worlds all about the racing in the gold, silver and bronze fleets ... watch this space.