Sunday, April 24, 2011

Treatment for Crabbiness

Dr. B.K. Frogma
Brooklyn Hospital for the Wonderfully Insane
Brooklyn, NY

Dear Doctor Frogma:

RE: Mr. P.C. Tillerman

Thank you for referring Mr. Tillerman for treatment. This is our report.

Reason for referral: Patient was exhibiting bizarre behavior including "trying to be funny on Facebook and instead being intensely annoying." Referring physician made initial diagnosis of Male Pattern Crabbiness and recommended treatment with a Dinghy Fix.

Physical assessment: Patient is a male, right-handed, heterosexual Caucasian who claims to be aged 62 but appears to be much older. Patient is in poor physical condition, moderately obese, lacking muscle tone, but otherwise in reasonable health considering his advanced age.

Psychiatric assessment: Patient is suffering from irrational fears of bending or breaking his "mast" as he refers to it. Scored 7.4 out of 8.0 on the Legge Crabbiness Personality Assessment Test indicating a diagnosis of Stage 5 Crabbiness (usually terminal).

Treatment: On Friday April 22, patient was transported to our Fogland Total Water Immersion Facility. Patient was observed to be capable of rigging a Laser dinghy with average dexterity in spite of his lack of recent practice at this task. Patient was then treated with a Dinghy Fix and observed from the shore. Conditions were 10 knots of breeze, air temperature 50 degrees, water temperature 47 degrees. Patient was observed beating, running, reaching, tacking and gybing for approximately 60 minutes. Patient's ability to perform these tasks was average to mediocre, probably because of his poor physical conditioning and "mast" complex. While reaching across the river, patient was observed catching rides on the waves during which he exhibited signs of mild delirium including vocalizing whooping noises.

Post treatment assessment: Following restoration of blood circulation, patient was re-assessed and scored 6.3 out of 8.0 on the Legge Crabbiness Personality Assessment Test indicating some modest improvement.

Further treatments with Dinghy Fixes twice a week for six months are recommended. A full recovery from Crabbiness is unlikely given the advanced state of the disease, but it is possible that the subject will be able to achieve sufficient remission for him to be released from your institution. In the meantime, suspension of Facebook access is recommended.

Thank you again for asking me to see this unusual patient.

Sincerely yours,

S.A. Konnet, MD
Kirby Center for Crabbiness Treatment
Tiverton, RI

Attachment: Patient's chart.


Joe said...

Your chart looks good, but I do see pipeline area crossing from Sandy Point to High Hill that we will need to monitor. Take 3 shots of bourbon and call me in the morning.

Happy Bunny Rabbit day!

Zen said...

Hold on to Hope!

Tillerman said...

Hope is on another chart, Zen. Maybe I'll sail there one day soon.

Doctor Docker said...

S.A. Konnet, MD
Kirby Center for Crabbiness Treatment
Tiverton, RI

Here at the Berkeley Clinic, we are endowed with facilities that allow year-round treatment sessions, so we see few cases of chronic crabbiness.

We generally recommend year-round treatment in cases this advanced, so the patient may have to be moved.

We also disagree with your diagnosis that the patient appears to be older than his actual age. The depositing of annoying comments is usually a sign that a patient, while appearing physically mature, has failed to successfully transition from adolescence.

Here at the Berkeley clinic, we are practiced in diagnosing this syndrome, but have yet to develop a cure.

Doctor O. Docker
Berkeley Clinic For The Chronically Adolescent

bonnie said...

Best wishes for continuing recovery, and happy...uhhhh....

(google google google)

World Tai Chi and Qigong Day!

Bursledon Blogger said...

Best thing for crabbiness is fresh brown bread and a squeeze of lemon

Pat said...

Salt water crabs have the most wonderfully even temper -- always mad.

But at least your sailing lake isn't being attacked by the kamikaze cocaine bomber.

Pandabonium said...

I recommend immersing your legs in melted butter with lemon juice.

PeconicPuffin said...

Old Bay Seasoning. Add it to chips as well...will fix you right up.

Tillerman said...

Thank you friends for your amazing support. Without you I would just be some crabby old geezer writing a sailing blog.

Post a Comment