Treatment for Crabbiness

Dr. B.K. Frogma
Brooklyn Hospital for the Wonderfully Insane
Brooklyn, NY

Dear Doctor Frogma:

RE: Mr. P.C. Tillerman

Thank you for referring Mr. Tillerman for treatment. This is our report.

Reason for referral: Patient was exhibiting bizarre behavior including "trying to be funny on Facebook and instead being intensely annoying." Referring physician made initial diagnosis of Male Pattern Crabbiness and recommended treatment with a Dinghy Fix.

Physical assessment: Patient is a male, right-handed, heterosexual Caucasian who claims to be aged 62 but appears to be much older. Patient is in poor physical condition, moderately obese, lacking muscle tone, but otherwise in reasonable health considering his advanced age.

Psychiatric assessment: Patient is suffering from irrational fears of bending or breaking his "mast" as he refers to it. Scored 7.4 out of 8.0 on the Legge Crabbiness Personality Assessment Test indicating a diagnosis of Stage 5 Crabbiness (usually terminal).

Treatment: On Friday April 22, patient was transported to our Fogland Total Water Immersion Facility. Patient was observed to be capable of rigging a Laser dinghy with average dexterity in spite of his lack of recent practice at this task. Patient was then treated with a Dinghy Fix and observed from the shore. Conditions were 10 knots of breeze, air temperature 50 degrees, water temperature 47 degrees. Patient was observed beating, running, reaching, tacking and gybing for approximately 60 minutes. Patient's ability to perform these tasks was average to mediocre, probably because of his poor physical conditioning and "mast" complex. While reaching across the river, patient was observed catching rides on the waves during which he exhibited signs of mild delirium including vocalizing whooping noises.

Post treatment assessment: Following restoration of blood circulation, patient was re-assessed and scored 6.3 out of 8.0 on the Legge Crabbiness Personality Assessment Test indicating some modest improvement.

Further treatments with Dinghy Fixes twice a week for six months are recommended. A full recovery from Crabbiness is unlikely given the advanced state of the disease, but it is possible that the subject will be able to achieve sufficient remission for him to be released from your institution. In the meantime, suspension of Facebook access is recommended.

Thank you again for asking me to see this unusual patient.

Sincerely yours,

S.A. Konnet, MD
Kirby Center for Crabbiness Treatment
Tiverton, RI

Attachment: Patient's chart.