Dumped: A Parable

Tim thought of himself as a bit of a ladies' man. He thought he new all about women and how to please them. He played the field. He got his share. He was enjoying the free and easy life style of a bachelor and man about town... until he met Hailey.

He fell hard for Hailey. She was exciting. She was special. She was cool. She was hot. She was everything he had been looking for. He was more than pleasantly surprised when, after dating for only two or three weeks, she suggested that he move in with her.

That first week at Hailey's place was mind-blowing for young Tim. They did it every night. Hailey certainly seemed to have plenty of experience in that department. He was in seventh heaven.

Until Sunday. Over breakfast on Sunday morning Hailey dropped the hammer. "I'm sorry Tim, but you're just not much good in bed. You don't have much stamina and you have no idea how to handle the rough stuff. And your technique is just awful. Last night was the last time. I need you to move out. I'm going for a walk now. Please be gone when I get back."

Tim was devastated. Where had he gone wrong? He packed his stuff and headed home to his lonely bachelor quarters.

He called Hailey on Monday evening. "Hailey darling, please give me a second chance. I'm sure I just need more practice. We can practice in the morning, we can practice in the evening, we can practice all night long. I'm sure I'll get better."

Hailey wasn't interested. "I'm sorry Tim. You're not practicing on me."

Before he knew what he was saying, Tim blurted out, "Well, I'll practice on my own then. I used to do that a lot."

Oops.

Click.

Hailey had rung off.

Tim called her again on Tuesday evening. "Hey Hailey, I have another idea. I went to this... umm... shop at lunch-time and bought these books and videos. There's a book by a British guy called Paul with lots of glossy pictures of his technique. And a couple of videos of how to do the rough stuff you like, one by some Argentinian fellow. I can bring them round and we can look at them together and try some of the things in them."

Hailey was unmoved. "I don't want to look at your porn videos, you pervert. Go forth and multiply. And don't call me again."

Click.

Tim was at his wits' end. He talked to one of his friends and called Hailey again on Wednesday evening. "Hailey, just listen, I have some ideas. Tony from Australia says we should try a smaller bed. What do you think?"

"You can tell Tony from Australia that I think he has a dirty mind. Now just leave me alone. I don't want to talk to you any more."

Tim was desolate, heartbroken. He didn't know where to turn. He was desperate...

He called Hailey again on Thursday evening. "Please listen to me dear. I have the answer. I met this woman on the Internet. At least I think she's a woman. She lives near San Francisco. She says she can fix my problem. She says I should go out to San Francisco and practice with her and her friends for a few weeks. She says everyone there does it in neoprene and are experts at the rough stuff. And she told me about a couple of variations they do in San Francisco called the Irish Coffee and the Flemish Coil. Sounds like fun. What do you think?

....

"Hailey? Are you still there?"


....

Click.