Thursday, November 01, 2007

Beerfort Scale

Traditionally the strength of the wind and the state of the sea are measured by the Beaufort Wind Scale. When a group of sub aqua divers from Dumfries and Galloway Sub Aqua Club arranged a weekend away, there was inevitably a storm and they had to shelter in the pub. As a service to all water sports enthusiasts in similar circumstances, they re-wrote the Beaufort Scale.

The Beerfort Scale
0 to 12 pints


0 Stone Cold Sober: Able to stand unaided, everything in focus, smoke rises vertically, drinks only bought when cajoled, sensible conversation abounds.

1 Feeling Warm: Very slight deviation from course, but no stumbling, dive organised for next Sunday, voices kept low to exclude non favourites.

2 Slight Inebriation: Some incoherence, eyes have glassy appearance, occasional slur. Past dives discussed, some exaggeration, depths marginally increased, boat speed more or less accurate.

3 Gentle Glow: Barmaid becoming more attractive, some bantering, drink bought for stranger. Depths always exaggerated, times doubled, enjoyment factor of last expedition doubled. Boat speed increasing noticeably. Decompression times lengthening. Water becoming warmer/colder/darker/clearer.

4 Moderate Inebriation: Pronounced slurring, voices increase in volume, some bad jokes re-told, offers of drinks to entire group. Last near miss made to sound as if planned, all wrecks now 20 metres deeper and visibility greatly increased/decreased. Much talk of portholes, some skepticism.

5 Well On: Speech becomes incoherent, some foaming, barmaid appears drop dead gorgeous, more pints ordered (Chance of some spray) Speed of boat in knots over-estimated by factor of two. Some slight references to curry/kebab/chinky/pizza.

6 Half Newt: Tables move, pattern on carpet becomes fuzzy, jokes get worse, (Probably some spray). Boat now unbeatable, weather last time out worst/best in living memory, depths and times now increase by a factor of four. Renowned club member now takes two hours to kit up while buddies hang on shot line waiting for him. Some kit may be purchased at inflated prices.

7
Full Newt: Whole pub in motion, next dive planned - Death Rock. Deposits taken, and used for next round. Some mention of "curry and chinky" many bags of nuts and crisps purchased. Barmaid is Pamela Anderson (and she wants you!). Conger/Lobster is so large it moves the wreck when swimming, hence wreck is never in the same place twice. (Or sat-nav is useless due to US military screwing up the signal). Inconvenience may be felt when walking to the loo.

8 Semi smashed: Immediate trip to Scapa Flow organised, some glass breaking, insults are extensive. Beer is spread over adjoining tables, new round ordered, kitty is increased. Immediate trip to Titanic is on the cards. More talk of curry/kebabs. Tackle may be placed on the pool table. Locals warned about the dangers of decompression. Boat now capable of 60 knots even with plug lead shorting onto engine casing. Boat keys lost, progress generally impeded.

9 Near Smashed: Table dancing is commenced, some structural damage, some falling. Bones may break, injuries may go unnoticed, friends may refuse to acknowledge that assistance is required. Broken colleague is returned to chalet, dumped on bunk and covered with wet-suit for comfort. All return to pub, (chimney pots and slates removed).

10 Smashed: Seldom experienced before collapse, dives organised to Red Sea and Scapa Flow for the same week, equipment lent to club pratt, offers of marriage to barmaid/barman. Boat now quicker than "Bluebird", last dive - 60 metres, sitting on the coning tower for 45 minutes, three hours decompression required. Some moans from chalet, severe swelling may be evident, all cries are ignored. Some spray, much foam. Ornamental trees may be uprooted.

11 Nitroxed: 60 metre dive to some wreck not far away organised , more deposits taken, new round ordered, many full glasses may be seen, bodies falling everywhere, medical treatment required, no pain felt, more crisps and nuts ordered, cries for curry/chinky and popadoms get louder. Much whiskey of unpronounceable name ordered, smoke fills the room, everything blurred. Small and medium sized divers may become lost for a time. Visibility affected.

12 Out of Skull: Communications impossible, speech becomes lost in profanities, old grudges surface, past dives recalled in detail, all measurements quadrupled, boat now faster than Exocet, even with twelve divers and two tanks each. The air is filled with foam and spray, smoke is thick, ashtrays are full.

There may be a short lull -- Trips are cancelled, deposits demanded back, organiser is accused of fraud, diving sucks, all equipment for sale, golf clubs bought from fat bloke at bar. Wife arrives with car, followed by total amnesia and coma.

Summary The above is a guide, intended to show roughly what may be expected in a bar, near to the sea, on a dive expedition, or when a group of divers gather. Further from the sea, or near enclosed water time scales may be shorter and the exaggerations larger.

Please note: The scale above 8 is very rarely experienced, due to the gulf stream and lack of funds, however, when the phrase "the kitty covers everything" is heard, it can be assumed that force 12 will be reached and maintained for the duration of the expedition.

4 comments:

EVK4 said...

Holy toledo, there's some blogronicity going on. My next post, time undetermined due to graphic designer inefficiency, will correlate very nicely with this one.

Vigilante said...

Tillerman, I found this to be a howl. Too bad it's all half-diver jive or I'd share it with my sailing crew. Maybe I will anyways (actually, a couple of them are divers)!

My trophy wife and children went through five Lasers, selling the last pair about a dozen years ago for keel equivalents. (We still race 40-50 times a year.) So I am delighted to find your pages.

Tillerman said...

Hi vigilante, welcome. I agree with you, I'd like this piece more if were more sailing oriented. Maybe one day I'll get around to writing a sailor's equivalent.

Hmmm... said...

I humbly submit a Laserised version for Tillerman's consideration:

The Beerfort Scale
0 to 12 schooners (AU - substitute for locality)


0 Stone Cold Sober: Able to stand unaided, everything in focus, smoke rises vertically, drinks only bought when cajoled, sensible conversation abounds.

1 Feeling Warm: Very slight deviation from course, but no stumbling, training organised for next Sunday, voices kept low to exclude non favourites.

2 Slight Inebriation: Some incoherence, eyes have glassy appearance, occasional slur. Past regattas discussed, some exaggeration, winning times marginally decreased, boat speeds more or less accurate.

3 Gentle Glow: Barmaid becoming more attractive, some bantering, drink bought for stranger. Race margins always exaggerated, times halved, enjoyment factor of last regatta doubled. Boat speeds increasing noticeably. Recovery times lengthening. Wind becoming heavier/lighter/flukier/solider.

4 Moderate Inebriation: Pronounced slurring, voices increase in volume, some bad jokes re-told, offers of drinks to entire group. Last near miss made to sound as if planned, all courses now 20% longer and current greatly increased. Much talk of s-curving, some skepticism.

5 Well On: Speech becomes incoherent, some foaming, barmaid appears drop dead gorgeous, more schooners ordered (Chance of some spray) Speed of boats in knots over-estimated by factor of two. Some slight references to wedges/pies/ pizza.

6 Half Newt: Tables move, pattern on carpet becomes fuzzy, jokes get worse, (Probably some spray). Some boats now unbeatable, weather last time out worst/best in living memory, margins and times now increase/ decrease by a factor of four. Renowned club member now takes two hours to launch while buddies sit at outer leads in 30 knots waiting for him. Some spars may be purchased at inflated prices.

7 Full Newt: Whole yacht club in motion, next coached training session planned – Outer Reef return. Deposits taken, and used for next round. Some mention of "spag bog" many bags of nuts and chips purchased. Barmaid is Pamela Anderson (and she wants you!). RC boat is so large it swings across the entire course, hence pin is never in the same place twice. (Or compass is useless due to US military screwing up the signal). Inconvenience may be felt when walking to the loo.

8 Semi smashed: Immediate training trip to venue for Nationals organised, some glass breaking, insults are extensive. Beer is spread over adjoining tables, new round ordered, kitty is increased. Immediate trip to next Nationals venue is on the cards. More talk of spag bog. Tackle may be placed on the pool table. Non-members warned about the dangers of high speed roll-gybing. Boats now capable of 20 knots even with mainsheet wrapped round stern quarters. Bungs lost, progress generally impeded.

9 Near Smashed: Table dancing is commenced, some structural damage, some falling. Bones may break, injuries may go unnoticed, friends may refuse to acknowledge that assistance is required. Broken colleague is returned to car park, dumped on trailer and covered with hikers for comfort. All return to yacht club, (flashing and TV antennnas removed).

10 Smashed: Seldom experienced before collapse, friendly regattas organised in Pattaya and Kiel for the same week, equipment lent to club dickhead, offers of marriage to barmaid/barman. Boats now quicker than Rohan Veal’s moth, last race - 10 miles, hiking on gunwale for 45 minutes straight, sailed home with ripped main held in teeth. Some moans from car park, severe swelling may be evident, all cries are ignored. Some spray, much foam. Ornamental trees may be uprooted.

11 Nitroxed: Trans-oceanic training session organised, more deposits taken, new round ordered, many full glasses may be seen, bodies falling everywhere, medical treatment required, no pain felt, more chips and nuts ordered, cries for spag bog and wedges get louder. Much whiskey of unpronounceable name ordered, wet gear fills room, everything blurred. Small and medium sized sailors may become lost for a time. Visibility affected.

12 Out of Skull: Communications impossible, speech becomes lost in profanities, old grudges surface, past regattas recalled in detail, all measurements quadrupled, boats now faster than Exocets, even with bungs missing and running rigging droguing astern. The air is filled with foam and spray, smoke is thick, garbage bins are full.

There may be a short lull – Training is cancelled, deposits demanded back, organisers are accused of fraud, sailing sucks, all equipment for sale, golf clubs bought from fat bloke at bar. Wife arrives with car, followed by total amnesia and coma.

Summary The above is a guide, intended to show roughly what may be expected in a yacht club, near closing, on a scheduled sailing weekend, or when a group of sailors gather. Further from the sea, or near enclosed water time scales may be shorter and the exaggerations larger.

Please note: The scale above 8 is very rarely experienced, due to the sea breeze and lack of funds, however, when the phrase "the kitty covers everything" is heard, it can be assumed that force 12 will be reached and maintained for the duration of the expedition.

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